My husband and his male (go figure) friends tend to find humor in sending each other juvenile emails. Most contain photos of men doing stupid things, boobs, or men doing stupid things because of boobs. This evening we’re sitting back to back at our respective computers and he starts chuckling hysterically. Now as this response can be brought on by a number of things: finding a booger shaped like a dolphin, a well designed fart, burping the alphabet…….. I felt the need to ask what was so funny. (It was actually a self-defense mechanism should I need to make a quick escape before a breeze blew my way.) It seems the latest email offering from a friend included several pictures of elderly people in various interesting situations. I usually resist the urge to look as I always regret it but it’s late and…….well there’s just no excuse.
Now I personally find the elderly fascinating people. To think that my grandmother grew up with an outhouse, gathered around a radio for entertainment, watched I Love Lucy live on a black and white TV that was first on the block, had an actual Avon lady that knocked on your door each week……..and now blogs. To have lived through so many decades of change. I love and respect the elderly. I hope to be one. And I hope in my lifetime the decades I live through provide as much fascination for me as the decades she’s lived through. But there are some things about life as an older person I’m just not ready to envision in quite the detail previously mentioned email has provided.
I’m momentarily speechless. See for yourself:
Yep. It’s a deflated elderly butt in a thong bikini.
Now I’ve often said, “If I ever get thin again………” but I do believe I need to amend that statement to, “If I ever get thin again before I turn 97……..”. On one hand I’m thinking this lady has earned the right to wear whatever she pleases. If she feels sexy in her 90′s (I’m going with 90′s because if she’s really 55 I might just have to kill myself) then she should flaunt that badonkadonk. But there are just some things you would rather not have pop into your mind when you think about grandparent archtypes. Grandparents should evoke thoughts of hugs and cookies and dollar bills and swinging you like a cuckoo clock……..not deflated naked butts and sex. Yes, sex. (Cue next photo)
Thought you were going to see old people doing the nasty didn’t you. PERVERT! While not provocative, this photo did bring up several questions. 1. WHAT is she willing to knit for sex? Is she giving away swatches or sweaters? Does it depend on the requested act? Do men who provide merino alpaca blend get “bonuses”?Maybe she’s knitting patterns from Naughty Needles or DomiKNITrix. 2. Why is the man behind her so enthusiastic? Is he her pimp or is he just finally glad he’s figured out how to get her to HAVE sex? Notice the lip prints on his shirt? HMMMMM. 3. Who is the slightly inebriated looking gentleman with his dirty hands on gramma? Maybe he’s the infommercial guy and the man in the back is the testimonial happy customer. Maybe he’s an alpaca farmer and is throwing her this party for increasing his profits through her innovative entrepenuership. 4. How long does it take her to knit for sex? She better be using Addi-turbos if she’s got a high sex drive! 5. Why is she advertising on a paper cone hat? Couldn’t she knit one? 6. Does this mean that we know what all the little old men wearing scarves have been doing? Is the length of the scarf indicative of anything? 7. Is this why so many elderly ladies take up knitting? I thought it might be because they needed something to do while waiting for the Viagra to kick in. At the very least I thought the needles would be a great deterrant. Seems not so much!
I still have a few decades to enjoy before people are poking fun of my elderly sagging butt in a thong bikini (I can only hope it’s deflated enough to sag. Right now the thong string would have to be made of nautical rope) Until that time, I might have to take a little more interest in getting some of my UFO’s finished (unfinished objects for those non-knitters). You never know when I’ll be tooling around the nudist retirement home and wanna join in the orgy.
MARITAL DISCLAIMER: My husband is a delightful, cultured, and well educated man who would never indulge in such nonsense…………..Ya, I’m not buying it either.
MATERNAL DISCLAIMER: While I acknowledge my mother has first rights to gramma stories, the historical frames of reference expressed herein are general enough to apply to anyone’s elderly gramma.
ELDERLY DISCLAIMER: Dear elderly ladies, I apologize for the use of your pictures in my blog. Please feel free to sue your family members and other beach goers who took your picture then posted it for the whole world and any aliens in the radiosphere to see.
Tags: addi turbos, badonkadonk, bikini, butt, elderly, humor, knitting, sex, thong
June 28, 2008 at 6:57 pm |
I am here to tell you that her super-sized husband is delightful, and that’s all I’m buying. In my family he is referred to as “He of the red satin shorts.” But, that’s only when he is not wearing a TuTu.
I hereby share rights to gramma stories, since you are the one with a memory, however, I reserve the right to post any story that actually occurs in my brain first, and comment on the ones you have beat me to.
June 28, 2008 at 8:58 pm |
May the best functioning memory at any given time giggle!
June 28, 2008 at 10:47 pm |
You know, someone with self-proclaimed ADD wouldn’t come up with 7 questions like that. Well, they might, but it would go something like this:
1. What is she willing to knit for sex?
2. Why is France so far away?
3. I wonder if we have a bicycle pump?
4. Do you like cookies?
5. Was that a car that drove by?
6. Can I eat tomatoes again without getting e Coli?
7. Did you feed the cat?
June 29, 2008 at 7:10 am |
I do believe my husband would swear my mind works in exactly that way.
June 29, 2008 at 10:31 am |
I plead the fifth on the ADD questions. In other words: If the shoe fits, keep your mouth shut.
I would like to propose a new law however, like we need another one. I say it should be illegal to wear a string bikini unless you have an all over nekked tan. It would have done some good for the white bottomed lady above.
June 29, 2008 at 8:17 pm |
I’ve looked at that picture a dozen times and the tan never occurred to me! Good observation! I couldn’t stop wondering…….close your eyes for the faint of stomach……….. exactly how deep a butt crack can be if your cheeks are dripping off your rear. After all, I can see most of that string and I do believe the goal is to see only the little triangle at the top. Are we one sneeze or “look at that pretty sea shell” away from a pucker? (Not my fault…..told you to close your eyes!)
July 1, 2008 at 7:19 am |
Another question has occurred to me: WHY?????
Does she have Alzhiemer’s and think she is 23?
Was she just really really hot? (as in temperature, obviously not looks)
Was her bathing suit missing and her great granddaughter left that suit at her house?
Did someone dare her like a million dollars to do it?
Are mirrors illegal in her religion?
July 2, 2008 at 4:38 am |
I choose to believe she’s lived her whole life eating slimfast granola bars and after 50 years she’s finally lost that last 10 pounds and……….damn it……..she’s wearing that bikini.
July 5, 2008 at 8:43 pm |
Thank goodness I gave up and tossed out that pair of bibbed short shorts. By the day I’m that thin, I don’t want anyone to have to see it. (Where did I set my granola bar?)
March 26, 2009 at 10:39 pm |
As I sit here wiping the laughter tears from my eyes (you are just too damn funny, girl!), I can’t recall how many times I’ve made the comment to my husband “Doesn’t ANYONE in America own a mirror anymore?!” From the 17-21 set that insists on super-low-rise jeans and skin tight shirts that allow their “muffin tops” to hang out for all to see to the 40-60 year-olds that only shop at Aeropostale and walk around with the words “Princess” or “Juicy” on their rearends, it’s all just so wrong on so many levels. Where my husband works, there are about 25 male mechanics and foremen and 2 women in the office. One is 30-ish, the other is 50-ish, and neither are what you would call “small”. My husband says that on an almost-daily basis, he is subjected to one or both of them with their “whale tail” peeking out! (For those that have never heard that term, it’s the part of the thongs that sticks up out of your crack and attaches to the strings on the sides!) To begin with, I don’t know why someone of that size/build would WANT to wear a thong….but why, oh why, do manufacturers MAKE ‘em that big?!? It should be illegal to make thongs in a size bigger than an 8, lest the panty patrol string ‘em up by their own butt floss!
April 21, 2009 at 2:18 am |
At least it’s not the men with whale tails! I do have to say though that, as a woman with cushion, I do get very irritated at having inches upon inches of underwear material migrating north. If something is going to settling there, I’d much rather it be a string than yardage!