Any fan of old movies has, more than once, witnessed a mustached man with an accent ask a blond woman with an airy voice and an abundance of cleavage for her opinion of the meaning of stains on pieces of cardboard. I’m not sure what the answers were supposed to say about a person, but I do believe you couldn’t go wrong by saying, “butterfly”.
It seems the new form of ink blots are tan lines. Camping for 10 days has given me several opportunities to witness tanning and conversations about tanning. As my eavesdropping has informed me, tan lines speak volumes about a person and bystanders are more than willing to interpret the message. If you are ever asked by a mustached man with an accent to interpret female tan lines, here are some answers that should keep you from the straight jacket:
1. If her tan lines do not line up with the swim suit she’s wearing, she owns more than one suit. She’s obviously too skinny and we don’t like her. (Chubby women own one swimsuit and had to drink copius amounts of martini to endure the humiliation of shopping for it. We don’t own two.)
2. If she looks tan but there are no tan lines, she either has regular appointments at the tanning salon or she sunbathes nude. Either way, she’s got money to spend on tanning and she’s too skinny. We don’t like her. (Just try to pry these clothes off my body in the name of tanning. I dare you.)
While I’m sure the list goes on, it got me wondering what my tan lines say about me.
Impressive aren’t they. That’s the whole show folks. I’m tan no where else. As if I would subject innocent campers to any more of my body than neccessary!
Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is the extent of my tan lines. Notice the lovely hue to my toes (which are painted patriotically with flags). Should I choose to wear dress pants with open toed shoes I’ll be set. Above the lovely criss-crossed pattern reminiscent of being sizzled on the barbeque grill, I have one shade of pink topped with a ravishing shade of red (it will turn brown eventually!). What the picture doesn’t show is that the red stops there. (Yep, wearing capris.)
Now what do you think I’m supposed to do with this? If I sunbathe nude for awhile do you think it will even out? Ya. Right. On both the evening out and the nude part. I could just wear those sandals and capris for the rest of the summer. How fashionable. The worst part will be listening to the chuckle when the nice lady who puts flags on my toes sees them. It appears they are the chuckle that keeps on giving.
So given that people have definite opinions of a person based on their tan lines, what does this say about me? My toes are the only thing skinny enough to warrant make-up and pampering? I secretly desire char grilled steak, medium rare? I prefer to go with: she spent ten days on a lounge chair reading trashy romance novels while sipping pineapple juice and Malibu Rum 
July 11, 2008 at 5:26 am |
“she spent ten days on a lounge chair reading trashy romance novels while sipping pineapple juice and Malibu Rum ”
AND YOU DIDN’T INVITE YOUR MOTHER???????????????????????????
July 11, 2008 at 8:04 am |
How did you get tan UNDERNEATH where the capris should have been on your legs? Is there something you’re not telling us maybe? Maybe its my monitor but it looks like your legs are reddish/turning to tan more than your ankles. Yeah, yeah…its my monitor…riiight. Say…you’re not the one who was selling jello shots in the nude at the entrance to the campground, were you? Heh heh heh.
July 11, 2008 at 6:03 pm |
The pink was from carpi day and the red was from shorts day but your monitor IS making my ankles look like they are parade floats.
And just what were YOU doing at the entrance to the nude campground looking at women’s feet? Hmmmmmmm?
July 11, 2008 at 10:53 pm |
And, to think. This is the daughter who told me she was afraid to ruin her reputation by having a Blog.
July 12, 2008 at 1:05 am |
Yes, I’ve apparently flushed that concern down the toilet. I figure someone has to care enough to find me, prove the blog is mine, then prove that something I have written will compromise my ability to teach my students. Unfortunatly that’s happened more than once in my area so I’m trying to stick to observations of life and avoid things to do with personal behavior. Not hard since I have behavior in abundance these days but one can always dream!
July 12, 2008 at 2:34 am |
Sorry, I wasn’t there….I saw it on CNN. Nice tan. lol